I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
