honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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