Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
