I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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