Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just googled if crying burns calories
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
