Rock
Scissors
Fuck
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
