Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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