Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
