I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
