Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
