I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
