sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
