thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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