You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We left an ass print on the piano.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
