I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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