My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
