Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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