You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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