There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
