It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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