I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
