i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize