When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
