guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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