I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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