Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
