Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
