How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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