I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
