what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
