She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
