K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
