i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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