Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
