I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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