Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
