My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
