The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
nutella sex= disaster
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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