my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
