you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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