i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
he laminated a picture of his dick.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
