I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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