can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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