i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
