I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
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Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
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I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.