I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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