Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
