I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
