he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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