I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
