My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize