he puts the penis in happiness.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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