He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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